


The Fear of Falling Apart

by orphan_account



Category: Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Cheating, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-01
Updated: 2013-10-01
Packaged: 2017-12-28 04:12:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 694
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/987514
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>“You’re thinking about her,” Ryan, mind-reader that he was, states.</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Fear of Falling Apart

Brendon rolls over, turning away from the other man. He closes his eyes and buries his face in his pillow as guilt begins to rise in his stomach. It churns, and he feels queasy. Ryan sighs behind him, and soon there’s a body pressed up against his back and an arm thrown around his waist. The older man’s fingers twine with his, and it feels so incredibly _wrong_ as they brush easily against where his ring should be. “You’re thinking about her,” Ryan, mind-reader that he was, states.

“I shouldn’t have come,” Brendon mutters. He never should have. He should have let Ryan take Jon and his beautiful, poisonous words, and he should have never taken him back. He likes to think Spencer would have warned him, if he hadn’t been so fucking out of it all the goddamn time, but he knows Spencer will _always_ be Ryan’s friend first and everything else second. Spencer knew Ryan’s insidious ways better than anyone, and that was exactly why he would never have breathed a single word against him. There were probably a countless number of nights that Ryan had held Spencer just like this, but there wouldn’t be any more for a long time; Spencer is gone.

“But here you are.” Ryan’s tone is soft and gentle, and Brendon wishes it was harsh and accusing; that’s what he deserves, after all. “What are you going to tell her?” Ryan’s voice sounds right next to his ear, quiet and secretive, as if Sarah is lurking in the room, waiting for him to admit his infidelity.

“I don’t know. Maybe I went to see Spencer again, and he had an episode and wanted me to stay.” Brendon keeps his tone casual, but he feels Ryan tense behind him the moment Spencer’s name passes his lips. Yeah, that was exactly what Brendon thought. “Is he talking to you?” Of course, Brendon already knows the answer—outside of his immediate family, Brendon, and Pete, Spencer won’t speak to anyone—but it’s nice to shift the focus from himself, if only for a minute. Things are so different when he isn’t standing on a stage with his band behind him and a million fans before him, screaming Ryan’s words back up at his face.

“His mom said I wasn’t family anymore.” The pain in Ryan’s voice is heartbreaking, but Brendon couldn’t say he blames her for it. “She said it was my fault. I was the one who talked him into forming a band. I exposed him to substance abuse long before you ever started drinking. She knows I never….” He trails off. “It was always my dad, never me. Apparently that doesn’t really make a difference.” There were so many reasons Ginger chose to blame Ryan, and those hardly even began to touch on them, but Brendon isn’t going to argue. That wouldn’t help clean up the mess Ryan had made of all their lives. “Do you think he hates me?”

 _He should_ , Brendon has the urge to spit out, but he bites his tongue, because Ryan sounds so fucking _vulnerable_ , like a single ill breath could shatter him. _It could_ , he supposes; Ryan always had a thing for words, especially the right (or wrong) ones. “I don’t think he could ever hate you,” Brendon says instead, and it’s not entirely true. He’s pretty sure that, deep down, Spencer does hate him, but it’ll never be enough to compete with how much he loves Ryan and certainly never enough to save himself.

“Do you hate me?” His tone is different this time, genuinely curious. There’s no fear or frailty in it, and Brendon knows he could never come anywhere close to how much Spencer means to Ryan, but that doesn’t make the confirmation of this fact any less painful. He’s cheating on his wife with some bastard who doesn’t even pretend to love him, and…

“Sometimes, yeah,” Brendon admits.

He can feel Ryan nod behind him, like he knew that was what would come out of his mouth. “I’m sorry,” the older man whispers.

“You’re not,” Brendon replies simply.

The resounding silence is more than enough of a reply.


End file.
